The dream preferred over dreams deferred

I made the decision to resign from my job as a preschool teacher recently and I have never felt so sure of anything in my life. I chose this path mostly out of sheer exhaustion from spending the majority of my day time hours away from my children and my ultimate goal of being a full time writer and birth-worker. Making the choice to leave my job as a preschool teacher was not difficult at all. I knew I would miss the children and even some of the friends I had made but when I considered the fact that I had a "steady" paycheck, yet it wasn't even beginning to cover my expenses entirely, it really made me ponder; What exactly was I sacrificing to keep this job? I experienced stress on a daily about feeling so overwhelmed at work, knowing I had more work once I reached home, each and every day. I felt totally unfulfilled and frustrated at the direction my life was going in. And my main reason for moving on was that I felt so stagnant in my place of employment. In 2010 I returned to college to complete my studies towards an English degree. I felt so proud when I graduated, knowing that it was a major goal I accomplished while still juggling motherhood and other responsibilities. I applied for jobs all over my city and other cities; hoping to increase my chances of getting hired. It wouldn't be hard to get a good job, right? But that was just it...It was hard, it took time, interviews and traveling to and fro to make getting a job finally happen. Throughout my life, I have worked in many fields; health and wellness, retail, childcare, sales, office settings, and my personal favorite as a labor and postpartum doula. I must say that with the exception of working as a doula and in health/wellness, most of the other jobs I have held almost never felt like my "calling." Things would always go well in the beginning, I made the most of every job I have ever held, working to the best of my ability, going above and beyond my scope of experience, yet always feeling so out of place eventually . It's as if my passions of what I really wanted to do were being squelched by what I "had" to do as a functioning member of society. I had to work a 9 to 5 so I could be responsible and pay my bills. I had to have a job; what else would I possibly be doing during my day? What could I do though, if my job was still not enough for me to make ends meet? Well, I could work extra hours, go back to school and get more degrees to make more money, or I could get a second job. The thing is I have indeed carried out all of the above at one point or another in my life. And time was the biggest factor; I just didn't have any. When would my children see me if I was out working M-F all day? They needed me, especially after school. They needed me to be there waiting with a smile as they arrived home from their day, they needed me to remind them to relax once they arrived home from school; unwind from the busyness of their day and just "be." Since leaving my recent position, my days have been spent reading up on freelancing, writing more often, brushing up on my skills as I learn from other writers, finding a niche and promoting myself as a poet and creative writer through consistent networking. My afternoons have been spent picking up my girls from school, helping them with homework, or God forbid, ditching the homework (for at least an hour) in exchange for the occasional afternoon of playing at the park with friends we haven't seen in a long while. Sometime we will go to the library in the afternoons to change it up with the homework routine. I will definitely say that even before my job as an infant teacher came to an end, new beginnings started to surface for me. Many of the families that I came to know began calling me for individual child care as needed and now I do it as often as my schedule permits. I am happy about this opportunity for it allows me more flexibility with my hours in the day, I'm still able to see the little ones I came to love through my job and then the added benefit of making money. If there is one thing folks should know about me it is that I don't take this thing called motherhood lightly. I cherish the memories I have made with my girls, knowing one day memories will be all that I have of their childhood when they are off living their own lives. I think of how many subjects, subtitles, stories, poems and more that I could write about motherhood and the journey that it has been for me thus far. I think of how exhausted I always was when I'd arrive home from work, trying to fit in a nap just before starting dinner but feeling guilty for doing so if I did. I worked not as just a "preschool teacher" but as a woman, mother and doula to the children in my care. But knowing that my spirit needed growth, growth that could not be attained through my job, propelled me to rise higher than my fears and what ifs. I wouldn't even say I threw caution to the wind when I made this decision; I know that I made the right decision. How could more time spent with my family, more time spent making my dream of writing full time a reality and more time spent relishing the little things I was too busy to notice be wrong? When I turned 35 in June, I composed a piece about needing to move on and do what I love...I told myself I would leave my job by my birthday, but didn't. As major issues with work began to surface, and my hours fluctuated, I still held on to my position, awaiting some sort of miracle. But the miracle would not come. Not through my job at least...In late September I had an epiphany; a longing clear as day to begin taking the steps towards resigning. I had voiced my feelings to some people, but didn't reveal that I was indeed going to move on. It didn't become real to me until I had actually said the words out loud, to myself and to the world. Second guessing myself would be futile as I had already made the decision internally, I just had to take the necessary steps.

 My dreams are calling and they have been put on hold for long enough, so has "enough" time to do the simplest of tasks such as spend uninterrupted time with my girls, writing, which I have been doing so much of lately! I even found the time to buy more soil for my plants! I had made a mental note in my head months ago to buy soil, and work on my little garden; but never had the time. Having more time was also the catalyst for writing two new ebooks on Amazon.com. Devoting some much needed energy to complete this major goal made me feel like I was beginning the start of something promising. I also have a goal of returning to school for midwifery; my latest venture in the realm of birth-work. Birth is another topic that I enjoy writing about with fervor, passion, love and experience...almost as much as I love reading about it. The sky is truly not the limit with me as far as my writing is concerned; my writing soars beyond the sky as does the options for what I can choose to write about. Writing is like an energizing and releasing experience at the same time. I am feeling quite confident about where my life is going, I have a stillness and a peace that all I have been longing to do; is coming to fruition as I type this. I am embracing the fact that I will be able to make money doing what I love as a job. There is a such thing as sacrificing and it can yield positive results if one knows when to do it and why. As mothers we sacrifice our time on a daily to be there for our children, watching them grow and sparkle from our involvement in their lives. But yet we end up sacrificing our time in jobs that take away our sparkle, our passions and our dreams. We end up sacrificing time away from what makes us smile, reserving it for special occasions, holidays and family trips. We don't have time during the week to "catch" up on life, it has to wait until the weekend; if that...We are worth so much more to ourselves and especially to our children. My children have been seeing a lot more of me during the week and I have taken advantage of interacting with them more on a daily basis. I have seen a positive change in all of us as a result. I'm also less stressed believe it or not. I would rather listen to what my heart has been saying all along then continue on a path that has no growth. And I have to grow; it is imperative to my dreams and my spirit.

I became more in tuned with my feelings since this retrograde has begun. This time around has been more or less a time of reflecting on my life and evaluating my thoughts. What has been off balance? Have my thoughts been in tuned with my actions? In giving am I also being receptive? Excessive giving wears a spirit down...especially a woman's spirit. We are meant to receive as well as give, but so many of us get caught up in the latter. I've shed so much excess, stagnant energy during this Scorpio retrograde and my staying on course with how my inner thoughts manifest my reality is tantamount to how my biggest dreams play out.

Synchronicity

Synchronicity, karma and coincidence all exist to prove that we are indeed spiritual beings having a physical experience called life. I would say all of these experiences fit together and should be paid attention to. In our busy lives, we tend to brush aside things that the Universe is trying to show us. It is wise to be still and take in to account what needs to be revealed in our lives by being open to our intuition. I enclose myself in a warm, enveloping place, developing my mind, body and spirit at my own unique pace. I allow myself to experience this peace and know that each day will be calm and sweet.

My earth, moon and stars

Astrology is so amazing to me. I love to learn about my signs and the signs of those close to me. Before, it was curiosity that led me to explore what it means to be a Gemini. But it is so much more to it! Astrology is our "make up" basically a guide to our inward and outward personalities. I don't think I could see myself being anything other than a Gemini, well, maybe a Pisces...I identify with that sign extremely well and I feel that it is due to the fact that both signs exhibit duality. We are the signs with "two sides." With Geminis, our "other" side tends to show itself without hesitation, with Pisces though, one has to be patient to see their other side, as it may or may not be revealed! It truly depends on the person.

The Gemini in me is relentless when it comes to conversing about everything under the sun, meeting new people and learning about them...I have an insatiable desire to find out more, to read, to share my thoughts with those around me. I cannot go a day without filling my brain with some new information.

 My moon being in Leo gives me a protective nature especially with my children. I am very in tuned with my girls and I take my role as "Mama" very seriously. A Leo moon also creates a uniqueness in me. I like to stand out in a crowd, I like clothing that says, "Lisa" in it's own special way.  My pride is also easily wounded and I can be very defensive about what I feel deep inside, but it is all due to my big heart that wants to show love. I am also a very passionate person with Leo falling in my Mars as well.  I am learning how to channel that strong energy into healthy outlets for if I don't; it has the potential to be unleashed too abruptly.

 An abundance of sexual energy also resides deep within my soul being a moon in Leo woman but I consider it a gift. It is only recently that I have been coming into my own and accepting what makes me the fiery, intense woman that I am.  I was afraid of expressing my truest emotions for the longest time for fear of running folks away. Outpouring my love and devotion is how I have almost always approached my relationships, and many people could not handle my realness. This information was actually told to me by a beautiful sister who "read" my energy before. I was shocked that she could detect this about me so accurately. I knew that I had been so giving in my relationships and extremely open, but didn't always know why I didn't get the response I had been seeking. Many times, we will have aha moments when those close to us reveal something that they have noticed about us. We can either take that information and put it to good use or we can keep going on the familiar road, only sticking to what we know and are comfortable with. Sometime, it is good to get out of our comfort zones and explore what we thought we knew on a deeper level.

My ascendant or rising sign is in Virgo and it makes me somewhat analytical as well as a bit of a perfectionist. I find that I flit around and fuss over things until they are what I deem "perfect." But with age comes wisdom and I am learning that being perfect is something my ego wants, not my spirit. Before, I would question every thought, and relive every moment, wondering if something could have been done "better." I have definitely come a long way as far as being a perfectionist is concerned. I realized that I can't allow myself to agonize over my decisions and how I live my life.
I am still learning about the placement of my "houses" in my chart and I plan to learn more about Eastern,  African, Vedic, Chinese, Native American and other astrological practices. I do feel that I have uncovered so much about my astrological makeup and knowing much more than I did before about who I am has given me strength.



My Venus is in Cancer which makes me very clingy when it comes to love. When I love, I love deeply and FOREVER unless something happens that causes my heart to loose that love. Most of my relationships, especially with my friends, have lasted for more than a few years. Could my Venus in Cancer have anything to do with this pattern? Perhaps! I know that Cancer is a very intuitive, emotional and loving sign, yet it can also cause one to withdraw when things aren't going their way, at least for a little while until things feel "safe" again.

Lastly, but certainly not least! My Uranus happens to fall in Scorpio, knowing how determined and purposeful that I can be, it all seems to make perfect sense! I have read that this placement creates a strong drive, passion and sexual expression...very true for me...I find sexual release very fulfilling and I need it like I need water. I am very open and enjoy reading erotic literature, discussing sexuality, birth and other intimate topics amongst like-minded individuals. I also enjoy writing poetry about my experiences, my feelings, love, and intimacy. I tend to link spirituality and sexuality together in my poems; purposefully. The end results are usually more intense than I thought they would be, but nevertheless, my poems express the beauty in such a connection.

I have included a copy of my birth chart, which I retrieved from www.astro.com, it was fun reading it and identifying with what I knew and learning about what I didn't know.

 Planetary positions

planet	sign	degree		motion
Sun	Gemini	19°28'50	in house 9	direct
Moon	Leo	13°39'22	in house 11	direct
Mercury	Gemini	14°50'23	in house 9	direct
Venus	Cancer	23°28'18	in house 10	direct
Mars	Leo	28°09'56	in house 11	direct
Jupiter	Cancer	11°12'27	in house 10	direct
Saturn	Leo	25°27'42	in house 11	direct
Uranus	Scorpio	12°59'09	in house 2	retrograde
Neptune	Sagittarius	16°52'30	in house 3	retrograde
Pluto	Libra	13°56'56	in house 1	retrograde
True Node	Libra	2°16'43	in house 1	retrograde

House positions (Placidus)

Ascendant	Virgo	28°32'22
2nd House	Libra	24°47'14
3rd House	Scorpio	25°08'40
Imum Coeli	Sagittarius	28°20'25
5th House	Aquarius	1°34'50
6th House	Pisces	2°04'03
Descendant	Pisces	28°32'22
8th House	Aries	24°47'14
9th House	Taurus	25°08'40
Medium Coeli	Gemini	28°20'25
11th House	Leo	1°34'50
12th House	Virgo	2°04'03

Major aspects

Sun	Sextile	Moon	5°49
Sun	Conjunction	Mercury	4°38
Sun	Sextile	Saturn	5°59
Sun	Opposition	Neptune	2°36
Sun	Trine	Pluto	5°32
Moon	Sextile	Mercury	1°11
Moon	Square	Uranus	0°40
Moon	Trine	Neptune	3°13
Moon	Sextile	Pluto	0°18
Mercury	Quincunx	Uranus	1°51
Mercury	Opposition	Neptune	2°02
Mercury	Trine	Pluto	0°53
Venus	Sextile	Ascendant	5°04
Mars	Conjunction	Saturn	2°42
Jupiter	Trine	Uranus	1°47
Jupiter	Square	Pluto	2°44
Neptune	Sextile	Pluto	2°56

My sun ray, Valorae

I have just had the best past two weeks of the year; my cousin Valorae and her handsome boys were here. It was definitely a reunion and we treated it as such, we hugged, we laughed and we just enjoyed each other's energy. When I think of how much my cousin Valorae means to me, I get quite emotional. I feel as if no other woman knows the struggles I have gone through like she does. I can definitely say that my mother has been there for me through many challenges, no doubt, and has been there for me too. But Valorae has LIVED through the same things that I have. When I lost my son, I knew she would understand and KNOW my pain, because she had also lost a son during pregnancy...When I cried for days and wanted to be alone, she was there waiting patiently, knowing that one day I would smile again. We have always had a bond that borders more along the lines of sisterhood, but it has definitely grown over the years since I have become a woman and mother.
She watched me grow up from a feisty yet cute three year old to a mother of two girls myself. When I need advice, when I need a shoulder to cry on, when I need to just share my feelings without the need to censor anything, I think of her. I also think of her when I want to share something that would make us laugh together, and even through the phone, I feel her laughter!
Our time together this summer made me realize just how precious life is and how the people in our lives; especially those who have been there in and out of years can truly have an effect on our hearts. I watched as the girls and her boys just picked up right where they left off almost four years ago, and didn't miss a beat! We went to the beach, we went to some parks, we cooked together, we stayed up late reminiscing and we shared our thoughts on almost everything we could think of. I so love to see her smile! I also treasure how much we have in common and how we tune in to each other so easily.

I feel that I am just that much stronger of a woman for having this soul connection with Valorae, perhaps we are sisters, even though by blood we are cousins. I have always looked up to her and respected her as the beautiful, intelligent woman that she is. I know that she is proud of how far I have come and she tells me so. For me, that is just pure motivation. I love Valorae!

Reflecting on who I am

I read and reread the synopsis of my birth date in a book I purchased about birthdays; it is called the Encyclopedia of Birthdays and it really delves deep into the type of person one is, based on the day of their birth. It is not a simple book and if one really desires to search deeper in their psyche about who they are, this book really helps. My "good" traits were bold, warm, daring and gifted which I graciously accepted as truth. However, there are always two sides to everything and there were some challenging aspects about myself that I have to make peace with.
Those aspects about me were that I tend to be self destructive, erratic and confused. While I take everything I read with a grain of salt, this really stood out and made me want to go within to see just how I allow myself to be that way. I had an aha moment yesterday as I sat quietly, allowing my thoughts to float around in my head. I have come a long way in my young life-dealing with many mountains of pain in this valley. I have had to find healthy ways to restore my spirit, some days were so much harder than others. What I realized is that I accepted pain as part of me especially in regards to my most recent health issues. I decided that I would just endure the pain in my body, soul and mind. But as I opened up more with my loved ones about my struggles, I came to realize that I was self destructing. I was viewing myself as a martyr for suffering; symbolizing my struggles as a sign of inner strength. I was sinking deeper and deeper into an abyss of self pity and anguish though and was not feeling confident about this road I was on.
I have so many dreams and goals for myself. I smile, laugh, and yet cry so hard on the inside where nobody can see, where it is safe to release these pent up emotions and not have to explain it away. But while I can accept this pain as growth, I can also not allow it to rule my life anymore. My joy is of utmost importance and I want to breathe new air into my soul by shedding old programming that no longer serves me. I will not allow myself to keep picking at scabs when they heal only to have them bleed all over again and cause me pain. I will let them heal once and for all and my scars will be soft to the touch yet they will also be a reminder of what I have overcome.
Perhaps I received this programming from my mother who strongly believes in "waiting on God"for everything even when actions clearly need to be taken for the betterment of her well being. I do believe in prayer and that the Creator will attend to my prayers and provide for my needs. However, I was falling into an unhealthy patter of waiting my physical and emotional pain out. Shrugging it off like it wasn't bothering me as much as I knew it was. It was not a healthy existence for me.
Life is too short, too precious and too beautiful for me to continue putting my well being last. Growing up, I did see my mother procrastinate on things that were beneficial for her, taking time away, relaxing and healing from life's pressures. We all need that soul strengthening time in our lives and now more than ever, I have been paying attention to how I treat myself. I am not a machine that needs a tune up every now and then to keep rolling. I am a human being, with emotions that sometimes fluctuate, and a spirit that needs constant growth and stimulation. I do take pride in the nurturing, loving and sacrificing woman and mother I am. I realized that in order to maintain a healthy balance with all involved in my life, I would have to maintain that upkeep of my soul, body, mind and spirit. It took me some time to really go within my soul to find out what I was doing that was self destructive, erratic and confusing but I believe I am on the right track now. I am in a constant state of awareness, change and reception. I am thankful to be able to learn and grow into a stronger woman in all aspects of my personality.

Life has been changing right before my eyes...it is summer now, I am enjoying observing the birth of new flowers, new relationships and new adventures...I am loving how I am nurturing my spirit and how I'm being more observant of what is going on inside of me. I have released so much that I was subconsciously  holding on to...it feels very good to allow, to just be in this moment and all that it has to teach me.