I read and reread the synopsis of my birth date in a book I purchased about birthdays; it is called the Encyclopedia of Birthdays and it really delves deep into the type of person one is, based on the day of their birth. It is not a simple book and if one really desires to search deeper in their psyche about who they are, this book really helps. My "good" traits were bold, warm, daring and gifted which I graciously accepted as truth. However, there are always two sides to everything and there were some challenging aspects about myself that I have to make peace with.
Those aspects about me were that I tend to be self destructive, erratic and confused. While I take everything I read with a grain of salt, this really stood out and made me want to go within to see just how I allow myself to be that way. I had an aha moment yesterday as I sat quietly, allowing my thoughts to float around in my head. I have come a long way in my young life-dealing with many mountains of pain in this valley. I have had to find healthy ways to restore my spirit, some days were so much harder than others. What I realized is that I accepted pain as part of me especially in regards to my most recent health issues. I decided that I would just endure the pain in my body, soul and mind. But as I opened up more with my loved ones about my struggles, I came to realize that I was self destructing. I was viewing myself as a martyr for suffering; symbolizing my struggles as a sign of inner strength. I was sinking deeper and deeper into an abyss of self pity and anguish though and was not feeling confident about this road I was on.
I have so many dreams and goals for myself. I smile, laugh, and yet cry so hard on the inside where nobody can see, where it is safe to release these pent up emotions and not have to explain it away. But while I can accept this pain as growth, I can also not allow it to rule my life anymore. My joy is of utmost importance and I want to breathe new air into my soul by shedding old programming that no longer serves me. I will not allow myself to keep picking at scabs when they heal only to have them bleed all over again and cause me pain. I will let them heal once and for all and my scars will be soft to the touch yet they will also be a reminder of what I have overcome.
Perhaps I received this programming from my mother who strongly believes in "waiting on God"for everything even when actions clearly need to be taken for the betterment of her well being. I do believe in prayer and that the Creator will attend to my prayers and provide for my needs. However, I was falling into an unhealthy patter of waiting my physical and emotional pain out. Shrugging it off like it wasn't bothering me as much as I knew it was. It was not a healthy existence for me.
Life is too short, too precious and too beautiful for me to continue putting my well being last. Growing up, I did see my mother procrastinate on things that were beneficial for her, taking time away, relaxing and healing from life's pressures. We all need that soul strengthening time in our lives and now more than ever, I have been paying attention to how I treat myself. I am not a machine that needs a tune up every now and then to keep rolling. I am a human being, with emotions that sometimes fluctuate, and a spirit that needs constant growth and stimulation. I do take pride in the nurturing, loving and sacrificing woman and mother I am. I realized that in order to maintain a healthy balance with all involved in my life, I would have to maintain that upkeep of my soul, body, mind and spirit. It took me some time to really go within my soul to find out what I was doing that was self destructive, erratic and confusing but I believe I am on the right track now. I am in a constant state of awareness, change and reception. I am thankful to be able to learn and grow into a stronger woman in all aspects of my personality.