Rest is the best remedy

So, prior to Christmas Eve, I was sick as a dog; in the bed for literally two days straight, attempting to recharge my body through resting, plenty of fluids and some quiet time. My body ached, it shivered from cold, was hot to the touch from fever; and I was overwhelmed with exhaustion.Thank goodness for my mother who was there taking care of me like she did when I was five years old and illness would befall me; serving up iced ginger ale to cool my temperature, orange juice, water, tea and a plate of steaming hot collared greens cooked with red potatoes. My mother is old school and is a firm believer in her home remedies; and rightly so. I ate that bowl of greens; slowly savoring them and remembering the familiarity of their taste over the years; it hadn't changed a bit. It was the only meal I had had for the day as I just didn't have the will or energy to eat much at all; however I had smelled those delicious greens cooking and was roused out of my slumber to make myself eat them when they were ready. I had enough energy to bathe, change my clothes, and come downstairs to enjoy some moments with my mother.

 

It was Christmas Eve and I felt sad that she was watching movies, listening to songs and remembering her previous holiday seasons all alone. It was a struggle as I felt quite lethargic and moving my body from one room to another was such a task. But when I emerged down the stairs, my mother's smile warmed me from inside out and gave me incentive to keep pushing if I was to shake this sickness. She hugged me and I served myself up some of her yummy greens. I literally felt some of my strength returning after the first serving, and as a matter of fact I even had a second serving! My body enjoyed and relished what it received; and thanked me for giving it some home cooked love. My mother and I watched a play together, we talked, laughed a little and shared some memories. I came over to her, hugged her and thanked her for taking such good care of me; she responded with love as she always does when she knows deep inside how much she means to me. I was oh so appreciative that night as I settled in to sleep off the remaining hold this sickness had on me.

 

The next morning I felt noticeably more energetic and got up to shower and wash my hair; feeling more refreshed than the day before. Mentally I knew I had to remember to take it easy even though I was beginning to feel better as I have a tendency to jump right back in the swing of things instead of slowly getting back into the grind. So that is what I did; I ate small servings of hearty soups, salad and lots of fluids. I emerged from my cocoon; which is what it felt like as I had kept my blinds closed and barely any light entered into my windows as I slept through the nights and most of the days prior to Christmas. I noticed my skin had a glow to it; perhaps all of the sweating caused an internal cleansing because I even felt a little lighter; not so weighed down. I felt ready to begin the day, but at a slower pace than usual. I had a beautiful day surrounded by love, which in turned surrounded me with the strength I needed to fuel my body and feel better. While I am still not fully out of the woods; I can at least see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's very hard for me to be unwell; but sometimes its during these times that I gain a new perspective; when I'm forced to slow down and rest. My mother said those very words; you need to just rest! I did just that and so much came to me; my mind was clearer, and my Spirit shined brightly through as my body played catch up.

End of year goodbyes; New year rise

December 2013 is finally upon us and boy did this year fly by! 2013 was an amazing year; a year of book releases, poems written, new friendships and connections, and seeing my life in a new light. Viewing my life in a new light has really helped me with seeing others in their own unique light as well. The ways in which I navigate through my life are mine and mine alone but it doesn't make them right for everyone else.

Forgiveness abounded in my heart as I reassessed relationships that I thought were okay in the state they were in but was sadly mistaken. For example; I haven't been as close to my older sister as I could have been over the years and I had been holding on to many grudges from the past. My mother, whom I love as dearly as life itself, but don't always agree with; shared some thoughts with me and I saw things through her light. It's not always easy to forgive, but doing it emptied my heart of resentment and unnecessary pain. Who needs to carry such things into a brand new year? Needless to say, I am very excited about what 2014 has in store for me, my family, loved ones and the writing adventures I will be going on. Not only do I feel undoubtedly excited about what's in store for my life; but I feel more prepared for it. I have an end of the year ritual that I follow and it's quite simple; I cleanse my home, life and mind of whatever is taking up unnecessary space. And as this physical cleansing takes place; an emotional and mental cleanse follows and helps me to have more peace within.

 I recently completed a photo project in which I framed and hung up black and white photographs of my family and friends in my living room; it felt great as I had been planning to do this for the longest time. Every nook and cranny in my home has been getting some extra attention; bookshelves, cupboards, under beds, closets and rooms all included. I also went through my journals, notebooks and other collections of mine to gauge where I am with my writing. There is always a sense of completion and a loud exhale from my lungs when I follow my end of year ritual. The best part of this ritual is opening up to welcome and receive the newness of the coming year. Spring cleaning is a wonderful process as well, but I can't wait until Spring arrives! Winter, although sunny where I am, is the best time to review, reassess and revive my spirit of "old" patterns, items, and ideas that helped me along in my life but are no longer needed.

So, what will all of this cleaning out and releasing prepare me for in the coming year? Well, I will have more clarity, less confusion, less clutter, and more space in my heart, mind and soul for what lies ahead. I started writing down affirmations, my goals and dreams for this unknown yet exciting time to come. I plan to utilize sage to cleanse out my living space and the stagnant energy that has collected over the year on the very last day of 2013, I will open the windows to my home and watch as the smoke floats through them. I will most definitely treasure the memories made, lessons learned, and I will remember what made me smile, laugh and even cry this year; because tears are extremely cleansing to the soul! May the ending of this year be the beginning of a most blissful year for this world and all it's inhabitants.

Plugging on!

So, I have really been out of the loop for the past week as I had one of the most detrimental things happen to me!!! My laptop died on me and I had no way to revive it due to a faulty wire. For those who may have thought something was terribly wrong, I didn't mean to alarm you...I'm happy, I'm safe, I'm loved and I'm going to keep on plugging on! Pun intended!! Needless to say, I haven't been able to accomplish much writing this past week with this minor, yet major inconvenience. Writing hasn't ceased completely for me as I still have my pens, paper, journals and more to keep me going, but it's different when I wake up in the middle of the night with a story burning on my mind and can't type it right away!

The good news is that where there's a will, there is always a way! As a matter of fact, I put in my order to receive a new cord this week and I am at the library typing this up and so I still have an outlet, maybe not at the middle of the night, but this works! Also, I have been coming up with all sorts of ideas, subjects, poems and more to share with my beloved audience, I have missed you! Look for me though this week, as I will still be in your midst with thoughtful posts on my blogs...I am currently working on a weekly self help blog for my readers as well as tweaking my parenting and music blog; basically showing them love by committing to adding at least 2 to 3 posts per week. I am looking forward to the challenge and I know it can be done, especially with all of the momentum I have been gaining lately. It won't be long!

I'm thankful for what truly matters

I thought about the things I am truly thankful for and most of the things I came up with cannot be purchased in a store; black Friday has nothing on what I get for free every day; Love. Love surrounds me in the form of the people in my life who are my family and friends, love greets me in the morning as the Creator pours sunshine through my window over my resting frame; love looks me in my eyes with sincere smiles and laughter from my daughters. I am thankful for who I am, my path in this life, my ability to hear music that strengthens my soul. Music in the form of singing, dancing, instruments and bands are lovely, but I am also thankful for the sound of solitude.

I love the sound of trees blowing in the wind, the sound of water flowing in a lake; taking gratitude on another level for me. I am thankful for the sound of a loved one's voice on the other end of my phone or in person as I face them and give my all in an embrace with them. I am thankful for the peace in my heart, for the newness that each day brings for me to release whatever I need to release in preparation for what lies ahead. I'm thankful for my thinking pattern, for what we think about is energy in one of the highest forms. For the most part, I attempt to clear my head of frivolous and draining thoughts; also known as worry. I do have my moments when I'm not so strong, and I will openly acknowledge that my tears flow, my energy level slumps and I just don't have all of the answers. But something inside of me; my spirit perhaps, reminds me of how fleeting this life is; how having just one more moment to live, laugh and love is what matters in the end. 

Giving my writing the love it deserves

I could write nonstop from sun up to sun down; flowing on a trail of endless inspiration, especially when it hits me! But alas, I don't reside in the solitude of the mountains or on a secluded island, at least, not yet! While my girls are super awesome about giving me uninterrupted writing time, I need them to know that I am indeed here with them; even with the sometime engrossing process of writing.  I love that I can look out of my window to see the beautiful sky and how it changes from morning until evening. It tends to inspire me, as does the trees blowing a relaxing breeze through my windows. I really don't require much to feel that buzz, I am quite versatile when it comes to expressing my thoughts on paper; however, natural settings tend to heighten my creativity. Therefore; the beach, parks, and lakes get my creative juices flowing! I suppose it has to do with the serenity of such places.

Many times; I've been hit with an appealing idea to write about or an intriguing poem that forms perfectly in my mind and I'm scrambling to get it recorded while it's slowly but surely forming; line by line. I've often relied on memory to write down what I had been thinking just moments before, only to forget it when I finally do have paper and pen or my laptop in front of me! So I came up with a solution for my often unpredictable bouts of inspiration. I didn't have very many journals to record my thoughts in until recently; I have accumulated more writing materials since experiencing a surge in my blogging and book-writing. I did an inventory of all the journals, notebooks, drawing and writing pads that I owned and decided that I had enough of them to place in inconspicuous places around my house. A journal on the bottom shelf of my living room bookcase, a notebook behind my cookbooks in the kitchen, and of course a writing pad on my night desk for those dreams to record that are fresh in my head upon waking.

I used to draw often and had a lot of drawing pads that were given to me as gifts and now I use them for writing out my poetry. The endless space on those large sheets of paper are excellent for writing more than one poem or even longer pieces. As a writer, I never know when I will be taken to a place that guides me to write something and I enjoy making provisions to ensure that I can do so. What also helps me is knowing that the poem or idea I was thinking of is actually recorded in one of my books! Bookmarks also help me to save the page I wrote on for the day as well as little sticky tabs. And later, when all is quiet and I have some down time, I will type what I have on my laptop. I can view it, play around with it, change it up or leave what I wrote just the way it is. Writing is a way of life for me; I navigate through situations with it; I feel it in my spirit and it is my calling, it needs nurturing and love!

That beautiful feeling of completion

I just completed two major milestones in my life; writing and publishing two ebooks on Amazon. Although I haven't made millions over night, I have indeed become richer in my spirit. Knowing that I touched on parts of my life that held me captive emotionally has opened my heart to healing in amazing ways. My first book is titled; "The day I heard my father's voice" and is about me making an attempt to reconnect with my father after thirty years of estrangement. The small single memory I had of seeing him only once at age 3 created within me a story involving the unforgettable climax of how things transpired the day I talked with him. We honestly don't know how deeply we are affected by our emotions until we have times in our lives that force us to release those pent up feelings. And this was a story of triumph.

My other story, titled; "The silence of my baby's cries" was also a story of healing from the stillbirth of my son in 2009. I am thankful for the hearts that were touched by this book and for the courage that it took for me to share this part of myself with the world. I chose to use my son's picture as the cover of my book; and that was a huge step for me. I wasn't even able to look at his pictures for so long without crying and wishing I had him in my life. But one day, I took them out and looked over each one, and as I completed my story; I decided I would commemorate his memory by using his beautiful face as the cover of my book. I celebrated his short life by remembering him in my book and I also celebrate this final stage in the grieving process. 

I look forward to connecting with people through the books I have written as well as the books I am planning to write. We can all find solace in knowing someone else has been "there." It heals the spirit to share and be accepted for who you are and what you have overcome. Writing my books has set the ball rolling for many opportunities and I am open to wherever this road takes me. I look forward to writing more about my life, my triumphs, my struggles and how it all fits in the grand scheme of things.

My life in stories, poetry and pictures.: Less is certainly not more

My life in stories, poetry and pictures.: Less is certainly not more: For many years, I have lived my life thinking that less is more. I have had to relinquish these perpetual thoughts in my head and embr...

Less is certainly not more

For many years, I have lived my life thinking that less is more. I have had to relinquish these perpetual thoughts in my head and embrace more forward thinking in order to have the kind of life I dream about. During my childhood, it was always enough to go around, but not enough to save for a rainy day. I held onto limiting beliefs about money, receiving, and saving it. Giving and receiving truly do go hand in hand but getting caught up in the giving was where I kept going wrong. First of all, I watched my mother give of herself my whole life, I rarely saw her give to herself as so many women do out of habit. Many of us have been programmed to think that we can't enjoy the abundance of life unless everyone else is taken care of first; perhaps those of us who are mothers embrace this notion more so than other women, but the fact is we are receivers, creators and givers, and all of those titles should be in balance. It took many years for me to get to this realization but through observing other women, reading books on claiming abundance and positive affirmations, I am getting to the gist of this delicate balance. It hasn't been an easy road to travel but the more I began to notice the subtle messages my own children were picking up by my actions, made me want to change my thinking. I picked up on how preoccupied they would become with bills, the cost of school related functions and whether or not we had enough money for even the basics sometime. I didn't want my children to worry about such things, I wanted them to know that everything was fine. I wanted them to just be kids and not concern themselves with the hows and whys of financial issues; but it all would start and end with me.

 Being mindful to what came out of my mouth on a daily basis about my expectations and attitudes towards money would be the first step. What was I saying and not giving a second thought to about how my children interpreted money? Was I constantly saying, "no, not this time, we don't have the money"; if they were out with me and I saw something I liked and wanted to purchase, did they pick up on my insecurity about whether or not I could "splurge" on something for myself? Children are more intuitive than we think, and I give mine credit for seeing through the veil I would often hang over the picture I was attempting to paint. Was I teaching them that money is something you hold onto, "just in case" or was I giving them healthy options for using money to their advantage? Money should be saved, but not in a way that suggests more money will never come our way.

 Yes, we all need to be responsible when it comes to our bills and obligations but if we get caught up in the mundane routine of living within our means indefinitely, we will never know what it is like to feel abundance. I am a nurturer by heart, I have been all of my life, it hasn't always been the easiest task for me to receive from others without feeling like I needed to repay the kindness shown to me. I had a deep fear of imposing on people, even when they offered to do something nice for me and I was blocking my receptivity big time. While I have taken steps to correct this automatic reaction to people's kindness, I still have to do a mental check each time to be sure my thoughts are aligning with my desires. Abundance does not always equal money, just as money doesn't always equal abundance. I have riches upon riches in my life that money could never even begin to account for; love, laughter, my health, my family, friends, support, and so much more.

 I am finally beginning to really see what abundance truly means and my mind is much clearer since I have let go of old ways of thinking that no longer serve me. I feel deserving of all that life has to offer me; spiritually, physically, mentally and financially and I don't associate guilt with receiving in any areas of my life anymore. Some key steps I have taken to bring more receptivity into my life is inviting more feminine energy in my spirit by way of connecting with other like minded women, reading about and connecting with goddess energy, spending more time in nature and embracing all of the beauty I see and writing out my thoughts in journals.

 I have relinquished so much stagnant energy by releasing my control on outcomes and wondering how things would fall into place all of the time. Calming my mind of frivolous worries through meditation enabled me to see things in a different light. I let my fears disperse like feathers blowing in the wind and I noticed how lighter my spirit began to feel. It's a lovely feeling to not worry about there being "enough," there is always enough, it always has been, I just had to change my thought pattern to see this. There is a saying "attention goes where energy flows, or maybe it's energy flows where attention goes," either way, I agree.

The dream preferred over dreams deferred

I made the decision to resign from my job as a preschool teacher recently and I have never felt so sure of anything in my life. I chose this path mostly out of sheer exhaustion from spending the majority of my day time hours away from my children and my ultimate goal of being a full time writer and birth-worker. Making the choice to leave my job as a preschool teacher was not difficult at all. I knew I would miss the children and even some of the friends I had made but when I considered the fact that I had a "steady" paycheck, yet it wasn't even beginning to cover my expenses entirely, it really made me ponder; What exactly was I sacrificing to keep this job? I experienced stress on a daily about feeling so overwhelmed at work, knowing I had more work once I reached home, each and every day. I felt totally unfulfilled and frustrated at the direction my life was going in. And my main reason for moving on was that I felt so stagnant in my place of employment. In 2010 I returned to college to complete my studies towards an English degree. I felt so proud when I graduated, knowing that it was a major goal I accomplished while still juggling motherhood and other responsibilities. I applied for jobs all over my city and other cities; hoping to increase my chances of getting hired. It wouldn't be hard to get a good job, right? But that was just it...It was hard, it took time, interviews and traveling to and fro to make getting a job finally happen. Throughout my life, I have worked in many fields; health and wellness, retail, childcare, sales, office settings, and my personal favorite as a labor and postpartum doula. I must say that with the exception of working as a doula and in health/wellness, most of the other jobs I have held almost never felt like my "calling." Things would always go well in the beginning, I made the most of every job I have ever held, working to the best of my ability, going above and beyond my scope of experience, yet always feeling so out of place eventually . It's as if my passions of what I really wanted to do were being squelched by what I "had" to do as a functioning member of society. I had to work a 9 to 5 so I could be responsible and pay my bills. I had to have a job; what else would I possibly be doing during my day? What could I do though, if my job was still not enough for me to make ends meet? Well, I could work extra hours, go back to school and get more degrees to make more money, or I could get a second job. The thing is I have indeed carried out all of the above at one point or another in my life. And time was the biggest factor; I just didn't have any. When would my children see me if I was out working M-F all day? They needed me, especially after school. They needed me to be there waiting with a smile as they arrived home from their day, they needed me to remind them to relax once they arrived home from school; unwind from the busyness of their day and just "be." Since leaving my recent position, my days have been spent reading up on freelancing, writing more often, brushing up on my skills as I learn from other writers, finding a niche and promoting myself as a poet and creative writer through consistent networking. My afternoons have been spent picking up my girls from school, helping them with homework, or God forbid, ditching the homework (for at least an hour) in exchange for the occasional afternoon of playing at the park with friends we haven't seen in a long while. Sometime we will go to the library in the afternoons to change it up with the homework routine. I will definitely say that even before my job as an infant teacher came to an end, new beginnings started to surface for me. Many of the families that I came to know began calling me for individual child care as needed and now I do it as often as my schedule permits. I am happy about this opportunity for it allows me more flexibility with my hours in the day, I'm still able to see the little ones I came to love through my job and then the added benefit of making money. If there is one thing folks should know about me it is that I don't take this thing called motherhood lightly. I cherish the memories I have made with my girls, knowing one day memories will be all that I have of their childhood when they are off living their own lives. I think of how many subjects, subtitles, stories, poems and more that I could write about motherhood and the journey that it has been for me thus far. I think of how exhausted I always was when I'd arrive home from work, trying to fit in a nap just before starting dinner but feeling guilty for doing so if I did. I worked not as just a "preschool teacher" but as a woman, mother and doula to the children in my care. But knowing that my spirit needed growth, growth that could not be attained through my job, propelled me to rise higher than my fears and what ifs. I wouldn't even say I threw caution to the wind when I made this decision; I know that I made the right decision. How could more time spent with my family, more time spent making my dream of writing full time a reality and more time spent relishing the little things I was too busy to notice be wrong? When I turned 35 in June, I composed a piece about needing to move on and do what I love...I told myself I would leave my job by my birthday, but didn't. As major issues with work began to surface, and my hours fluctuated, I still held on to my position, awaiting some sort of miracle. But the miracle would not come. Not through my job at least...In late September I had an epiphany; a longing clear as day to begin taking the steps towards resigning. I had voiced my feelings to some people, but didn't reveal that I was indeed going to move on. It didn't become real to me until I had actually said the words out loud, to myself and to the world. Second guessing myself would be futile as I had already made the decision internally, I just had to take the necessary steps.

 My dreams are calling and they have been put on hold for long enough, so has "enough" time to do the simplest of tasks such as spend uninterrupted time with my girls, writing, which I have been doing so much of lately! I even found the time to buy more soil for my plants! I had made a mental note in my head months ago to buy soil, and work on my little garden; but never had the time. Having more time was also the catalyst for writing two new ebooks on Amazon.com. Devoting some much needed energy to complete this major goal made me feel like I was beginning the start of something promising. I also have a goal of returning to school for midwifery; my latest venture in the realm of birth-work. Birth is another topic that I enjoy writing about with fervor, passion, love and experience...almost as much as I love reading about it. The sky is truly not the limit with me as far as my writing is concerned; my writing soars beyond the sky as does the options for what I can choose to write about. Writing is like an energizing and releasing experience at the same time. I am feeling quite confident about where my life is going, I have a stillness and a peace that all I have been longing to do; is coming to fruition as I type this. I am embracing the fact that I will be able to make money doing what I love as a job. There is a such thing as sacrificing and it can yield positive results if one knows when to do it and why. As mothers we sacrifice our time on a daily to be there for our children, watching them grow and sparkle from our involvement in their lives. But yet we end up sacrificing our time in jobs that take away our sparkle, our passions and our dreams. We end up sacrificing time away from what makes us smile, reserving it for special occasions, holidays and family trips. We don't have time during the week to "catch" up on life, it has to wait until the weekend; if that...We are worth so much more to ourselves and especially to our children. My children have been seeing a lot more of me during the week and I have taken advantage of interacting with them more on a daily basis. I have seen a positive change in all of us as a result. I'm also less stressed believe it or not. I would rather listen to what my heart has been saying all along then continue on a path that has no growth. And I have to grow; it is imperative to my dreams and my spirit.

I became more in tuned with my feelings since this retrograde has begun. This time around has been more or less a time of reflecting on my life and evaluating my thoughts. What has been off balance? Have my thoughts been in tuned with my actions? In giving am I also being receptive? Excessive giving wears a spirit down...especially a woman's spirit. We are meant to receive as well as give, but so many of us get caught up in the latter. I've shed so much excess, stagnant energy during this Scorpio retrograde and my staying on course with how my inner thoughts manifest my reality is tantamount to how my biggest dreams play out.

Synchronicity

Synchronicity, karma and coincidence all exist to prove that we are indeed spiritual beings having a physical experience called life. I would say all of these experiences fit together and should be paid attention to. In our busy lives, we tend to brush aside things that the Universe is trying to show us. It is wise to be still and take in to account what needs to be revealed in our lives by being open to our intuition. I enclose myself in a warm, enveloping place, developing my mind, body and spirit at my own unique pace. I allow myself to experience this peace and know that each day will be calm and sweet.

My earth, moon and stars

Astrology is so amazing to me. I love to learn about my signs and the signs of those close to me. Before, it was curiosity that led me to explore what it means to be a Gemini. But it is so much more to it! Astrology is our "make up" basically a guide to our inward and outward personalities. I don't think I could see myself being anything other than a Gemini, well, maybe a Pisces...I identify with that sign extremely well and I feel that it is due to the fact that both signs exhibit duality. We are the signs with "two sides." With Geminis, our "other" side tends to show itself without hesitation, with Pisces though, one has to be patient to see their other side, as it may or may not be revealed! It truly depends on the person.

The Gemini in me is relentless when it comes to conversing about everything under the sun, meeting new people and learning about them...I have an insatiable desire to find out more, to read, to share my thoughts with those around me. I cannot go a day without filling my brain with some new information.

 My moon being in Leo gives me a protective nature especially with my children. I am very in tuned with my girls and I take my role as "Mama" very seriously. A Leo moon also creates a uniqueness in me. I like to stand out in a crowd, I like clothing that says, "Lisa" in it's own special way.  My pride is also easily wounded and I can be very defensive about what I feel deep inside, but it is all due to my big heart that wants to show love. I am also a very passionate person with Leo falling in my Mars as well.  I am learning how to channel that strong energy into healthy outlets for if I don't; it has the potential to be unleashed too abruptly.

 An abundance of sexual energy also resides deep within my soul being a moon in Leo woman but I consider it a gift. It is only recently that I have been coming into my own and accepting what makes me the fiery, intense woman that I am.  I was afraid of expressing my truest emotions for the longest time for fear of running folks away. Outpouring my love and devotion is how I have almost always approached my relationships, and many people could not handle my realness. This information was actually told to me by a beautiful sister who "read" my energy before. I was shocked that she could detect this about me so accurately. I knew that I had been so giving in my relationships and extremely open, but didn't always know why I didn't get the response I had been seeking. Many times, we will have aha moments when those close to us reveal something that they have noticed about us. We can either take that information and put it to good use or we can keep going on the familiar road, only sticking to what we know and are comfortable with. Sometime, it is good to get out of our comfort zones and explore what we thought we knew on a deeper level.

My ascendant or rising sign is in Virgo and it makes me somewhat analytical as well as a bit of a perfectionist. I find that I flit around and fuss over things until they are what I deem "perfect." But with age comes wisdom and I am learning that being perfect is something my ego wants, not my spirit. Before, I would question every thought, and relive every moment, wondering if something could have been done "better." I have definitely come a long way as far as being a perfectionist is concerned. I realized that I can't allow myself to agonize over my decisions and how I live my life.
I am still learning about the placement of my "houses" in my chart and I plan to learn more about Eastern,  African, Vedic, Chinese, Native American and other astrological practices. I do feel that I have uncovered so much about my astrological makeup and knowing much more than I did before about who I am has given me strength.



My Venus is in Cancer which makes me very clingy when it comes to love. When I love, I love deeply and FOREVER unless something happens that causes my heart to loose that love. Most of my relationships, especially with my friends, have lasted for more than a few years. Could my Venus in Cancer have anything to do with this pattern? Perhaps! I know that Cancer is a very intuitive, emotional and loving sign, yet it can also cause one to withdraw when things aren't going their way, at least for a little while until things feel "safe" again.

Lastly, but certainly not least! My Uranus happens to fall in Scorpio, knowing how determined and purposeful that I can be, it all seems to make perfect sense! I have read that this placement creates a strong drive, passion and sexual expression...very true for me...I find sexual release very fulfilling and I need it like I need water. I am very open and enjoy reading erotic literature, discussing sexuality, birth and other intimate topics amongst like-minded individuals. I also enjoy writing poetry about my experiences, my feelings, love, and intimacy. I tend to link spirituality and sexuality together in my poems; purposefully. The end results are usually more intense than I thought they would be, but nevertheless, my poems express the beauty in such a connection.

I have included a copy of my birth chart, which I retrieved from www.astro.com, it was fun reading it and identifying with what I knew and learning about what I didn't know.

 Planetary positions

planet	sign	degree		motion
Sun	Gemini	19°28'50	in house 9	direct
Moon	Leo	13°39'22	in house 11	direct
Mercury	Gemini	14°50'23	in house 9	direct
Venus	Cancer	23°28'18	in house 10	direct
Mars	Leo	28°09'56	in house 11	direct
Jupiter	Cancer	11°12'27	in house 10	direct
Saturn	Leo	25°27'42	in house 11	direct
Uranus	Scorpio	12°59'09	in house 2	retrograde
Neptune	Sagittarius	16°52'30	in house 3	retrograde
Pluto	Libra	13°56'56	in house 1	retrograde
True Node	Libra	2°16'43	in house 1	retrograde

House positions (Placidus)

Ascendant	Virgo	28°32'22
2nd House	Libra	24°47'14
3rd House	Scorpio	25°08'40
Imum Coeli	Sagittarius	28°20'25
5th House	Aquarius	1°34'50
6th House	Pisces	2°04'03
Descendant	Pisces	28°32'22
8th House	Aries	24°47'14
9th House	Taurus	25°08'40
Medium Coeli	Gemini	28°20'25
11th House	Leo	1°34'50
12th House	Virgo	2°04'03

Major aspects

Sun	Sextile	Moon	5°49
Sun	Conjunction	Mercury	4°38
Sun	Sextile	Saturn	5°59
Sun	Opposition	Neptune	2°36
Sun	Trine	Pluto	5°32
Moon	Sextile	Mercury	1°11
Moon	Square	Uranus	0°40
Moon	Trine	Neptune	3°13
Moon	Sextile	Pluto	0°18
Mercury	Quincunx	Uranus	1°51
Mercury	Opposition	Neptune	2°02
Mercury	Trine	Pluto	0°53
Venus	Sextile	Ascendant	5°04
Mars	Conjunction	Saturn	2°42
Jupiter	Trine	Uranus	1°47
Jupiter	Square	Pluto	2°44
Neptune	Sextile	Pluto	2°56

My sun ray, Valorae

I have just had the best past two weeks of the year; my cousin Valorae and her handsome boys were here. It was definitely a reunion and we treated it as such, we hugged, we laughed and we just enjoyed each other's energy. When I think of how much my cousin Valorae means to me, I get quite emotional. I feel as if no other woman knows the struggles I have gone through like she does. I can definitely say that my mother has been there for me through many challenges, no doubt, and has been there for me too. But Valorae has LIVED through the same things that I have. When I lost my son, I knew she would understand and KNOW my pain, because she had also lost a son during pregnancy...When I cried for days and wanted to be alone, she was there waiting patiently, knowing that one day I would smile again. We have always had a bond that borders more along the lines of sisterhood, but it has definitely grown over the years since I have become a woman and mother.
She watched me grow up from a feisty yet cute three year old to a mother of two girls myself. When I need advice, when I need a shoulder to cry on, when I need to just share my feelings without the need to censor anything, I think of her. I also think of her when I want to share something that would make us laugh together, and even through the phone, I feel her laughter!
Our time together this summer made me realize just how precious life is and how the people in our lives; especially those who have been there in and out of years can truly have an effect on our hearts. I watched as the girls and her boys just picked up right where they left off almost four years ago, and didn't miss a beat! We went to the beach, we went to some parks, we cooked together, we stayed up late reminiscing and we shared our thoughts on almost everything we could think of. I so love to see her smile! I also treasure how much we have in common and how we tune in to each other so easily.

I feel that I am just that much stronger of a woman for having this soul connection with Valorae, perhaps we are sisters, even though by blood we are cousins. I have always looked up to her and respected her as the beautiful, intelligent woman that she is. I know that she is proud of how far I have come and she tells me so. For me, that is just pure motivation. I love Valorae!

Reflecting on who I am

I read and reread the synopsis of my birth date in a book I purchased about birthdays; it is called the Encyclopedia of Birthdays and it really delves deep into the type of person one is, based on the day of their birth. It is not a simple book and if one really desires to search deeper in their psyche about who they are, this book really helps. My "good" traits were bold, warm, daring and gifted which I graciously accepted as truth. However, there are always two sides to everything and there were some challenging aspects about myself that I have to make peace with.
Those aspects about me were that I tend to be self destructive, erratic and confused. While I take everything I read with a grain of salt, this really stood out and made me want to go within to see just how I allow myself to be that way. I had an aha moment yesterday as I sat quietly, allowing my thoughts to float around in my head. I have come a long way in my young life-dealing with many mountains of pain in this valley. I have had to find healthy ways to restore my spirit, some days were so much harder than others. What I realized is that I accepted pain as part of me especially in regards to my most recent health issues. I decided that I would just endure the pain in my body, soul and mind. But as I opened up more with my loved ones about my struggles, I came to realize that I was self destructing. I was viewing myself as a martyr for suffering; symbolizing my struggles as a sign of inner strength. I was sinking deeper and deeper into an abyss of self pity and anguish though and was not feeling confident about this road I was on.
I have so many dreams and goals for myself. I smile, laugh, and yet cry so hard on the inside where nobody can see, where it is safe to release these pent up emotions and not have to explain it away. But while I can accept this pain as growth, I can also not allow it to rule my life anymore. My joy is of utmost importance and I want to breathe new air into my soul by shedding old programming that no longer serves me. I will not allow myself to keep picking at scabs when they heal only to have them bleed all over again and cause me pain. I will let them heal once and for all and my scars will be soft to the touch yet they will also be a reminder of what I have overcome.
Perhaps I received this programming from my mother who strongly believes in "waiting on God"for everything even when actions clearly need to be taken for the betterment of her well being. I do believe in prayer and that the Creator will attend to my prayers and provide for my needs. However, I was falling into an unhealthy patter of waiting my physical and emotional pain out. Shrugging it off like it wasn't bothering me as much as I knew it was. It was not a healthy existence for me.
Life is too short, too precious and too beautiful for me to continue putting my well being last. Growing up, I did see my mother procrastinate on things that were beneficial for her, taking time away, relaxing and healing from life's pressures. We all need that soul strengthening time in our lives and now more than ever, I have been paying attention to how I treat myself. I am not a machine that needs a tune up every now and then to keep rolling. I am a human being, with emotions that sometimes fluctuate, and a spirit that needs constant growth and stimulation. I do take pride in the nurturing, loving and sacrificing woman and mother I am. I realized that in order to maintain a healthy balance with all involved in my life, I would have to maintain that upkeep of my soul, body, mind and spirit. It took me some time to really go within my soul to find out what I was doing that was self destructive, erratic and confusing but I believe I am on the right track now. I am in a constant state of awareness, change and reception. I am thankful to be able to learn and grow into a stronger woman in all aspects of my personality.

Life has been changing right before my eyes...it is summer now, I am enjoying observing the birth of new flowers, new relationships and new adventures...I am loving how I am nurturing my spirit and how I'm being more observant of what is going on inside of me. I have released so much that I was subconsciously  holding on to...it feels very good to allow, to just be in this moment and all that it has to teach me.

Beckoning Dreams

I have realized I can only be away from what I truly desire but for so long...I miss being in the midst of birth, new mothers and that familiar energy surrounding sisterhood and working towards supporting women through birth. I have traveled many roads in my young life, trying out different jobs to see what fits, and nothing has made feel more at ease and at home than supporting mothers through birth as a doula and soon to be midwife. It is my calling, my desire and my dream. The more I think about what I really want to do in this life the more peace I feel within for really listening to my spirit. I have to drown out the commotion and the fear in an effort to keep my dream afloat. My heart is lifted, my hands long to write about my experiences on this road thus far and those to come.

Birth is the beginning and it is a journey worth traveling a lifetime for a woman like me. I long to share my stories with other women; of my own births, as well as supporting and advocating for all women. I can't explain the pull that seems to draw me in, but I do know that it makes sense to complete the journey I began years ago as a mother myself and later a postpartum and labor doula. I am a nurturer of new life; bliss and pure positive energy surrounds me when I am present for a birth or for a mother who has recently given birth. I love to listen to what she has to say about her birth, her new baby and how she defines herself. I learn from her and I take mental notes on this unique event in her life. I am blessed to be a part of something so transforming and beautiful.

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Write Now

It has been too long since I've written on my beloved blog...time truly has a way of getting by so fast! I haven't written anything on this blog as of yet since the new year began. I am currently working on two books, one about my relationship with my father and a book filled with my most intimate poems that have been in my mind and in my journals for years. I desire to see them come to fruition. I am ready to take the plunge and go with the flow. I am a writer, this I know and have known for a long time. I write for pleasure and also to express my deepest emotions. The words I write are an extension of who I am, where I've been and where I want to go. I want this badly, I imagine my life in a place where I am writing nonstop, as if time is of no importance. It brings me so much joy to see my words come together to form a poem, a story or even to just release an emotion that is too difficult to express via speech. Writing comes to my rescue on so many occasions and I would be lost without a pen and paper!